September 2-All in all, I am in a good space following my first chemo session and I am hanging low today and feeling my way through it. The bad news, Randy and I were in the infusion center for 10 hours yesterday—long, long day. It is sorta like when you go to the airport for a trip, you lose a little bit of power and independence when you cross the threshold, same as with the chemo, you can either be flexible and enjoy the ride or buck the system and make it miserable and an anxious situation for yourself and others around you. I chose to go with the FLOW….most times that is my style and yesterday I was the idea patient.
I love my new coloring book by Johanna Basford – Secret Garden!
On a happy note, Randy and I were at the Kaiser in San Marcos today, because, I have a weekly standing office visit to check my fluid level and the possibility of a thoroscentisis was a real one—but today the sun has been shining brightly and no drainage of fluids was happening for me! Yay!! Only bad thing, had a big touch of insomnia last night, and really didn’t sleep—up at 2:30 am and until we left for the docs at 8:00 am and I just got up from a 2 hour nap now J. I was more than a little upset with myself, I mean, I was bone tired last night and to not be able to sink blissfully to sleep bothered me as I was when I was sitting on the patio and listening to early morning wake up noises-thank you little birdies, what a calming symphony at 4:15 am
And it finally happened, don’t know if it was the excessive amount of time that we were in the infusion center, or the multiple times that I carted my iv stand and sassy self to the bathroom but I am finally recognizing that this situation is a life changer. Got to admit, I feel more than just a twinge of self pity, but I believe I have that right—but don’t be too shy to tell me to knock it the F off and get on with it. I will need somebody to tell me that, I know, and Randy has quickly volunteered for the job. Hehehe
Pink for Peggy! The Mullins Family ~ Dottie, Greg, & Emma ~ GO PINK in CincinnatiGreg ~ Amazing!! ~ Goes PINK for PEGGY!!
September 1-You know when you have to do something you really don’t want to, like getting a shot or a procedure and to make it through you go to a really happy place or event-well, today I gotta go to this treatment and I have been waiting for it to start, but now that it is here, I gotta find a few of my happiest places and decided I would share them with you guys.
Even though I didn’t make it up for the sunrise today, when we go camping and for years and years, I would wake up Brian and Tommy and we would go climb just a little hill and watch the sunrise. This is a happy , magical, spiritual moment that I can picture almost without even trying. So Brian and Tommy know I will have you in my sights today on the little ridge above Bow Willow campground. Love you guys more than I tell you and you make me one proud Momma every freakin second 🙂
Another great happy place is when Randy took me to New York City the first time, OMG , we were so young! We had the absolute most fabulous time, we found a bar, not just any bar, because there ARE SO MANY bars in NYC, we found a Reggae Sushi Bar, now I remind you this is in the early 80’s and sushi is not quite the rage it is now….so to be chumming on some great sushi, listening to Bob Marley and watching NYC as you do it was spectacular!! And afterwards we went to CBGB’s and that in itself was another totally memorable experience—but I like pulling up the Reggae Sushi Bar, hanging with my man and people watching in New York City. Randy has shown me the world and I have loved to travel and explore, whether it be Japan, Spain, Italy , France, England or Tahiti….And many spots beyond. But New York City (BT-Before Tom) so eye-opening and totally out of my comfort zone, it has made me try and stretch out of my bubble whenever we travel and I learned it from the master and am eternally grateful.
In the last three years I have done many trips on catamaran boats with Trade Winds, our good friends Joyce and Dave introduced us to this adventure, and I have loved going ever since. I have gone to many, many Carribbean islands, loving the lazy days, many bars and gnoshing with the other guests, my sister Ann has shared some great times on these adventures too, and she didn’t even like sailing on boats prior. But the happiest spot for me is nestled in the dolphin chair, riding the waves, whale watching with Jeanine, with our own little sign language as we put back some beers-unforgettable! So, I have a wealth of awesome happy spots to draw my strength from today. Know I will be thinking of them all.
Famous beach (with a name I can’t remember!) on St. Vincent in the Grenadines ~ March 2016
I am laughing as I am typing, cause I am thinking decades ago, when I was with my old besties-the Ferocious Five, dressed as the Coneheads for Halloween, Which way to we go? Which way do we go-Cheri, Mary, Dottie Karen and I —still not quite sure how we made it to our final destination!! Did I mentioned, fully dressed with 2 foot cones on our head in a monster green Vega…5 people..hehehe what a sight! Yes I am that scrappy girl from Sharonville who has seen some of the world, but from my bucket list you can see that I am not quite finished with my travels yet, and am more than amazed at all that my life has experienced and grateful for the people, places and events that I have crossed paths with.
And just know this is chemo #1-my happy places are many and if by chance you did not get mentioned here, be forewarned your time may be coming!!
So know that I will conjure up my Happy Places today, because this 55 year old woman is shakin’ in her boots just a bit. My path has veered to a new adventure and dammit I am meeting it head on with pink and purple hair no less-THE F U CHEMO Hair will guide me forward and take me thru it and of course my family and friends will hold me up when this path seems impossible—not impossible, just little harder than my scrappy, pallet building DIY self thought it would be-I am ready for a challenge and remember “It’s all good”
As I embark on my visit to the land of chemotherapy, you start to wonder about the things that you haven’t done and still want to do, so I have composed my bucket list-in no particular order and here it is. If there are anything that you folks can help me complete—I am totally ready and hopefully able to tackle this list—remember I do think BIG:
See the Northern Lights
Scuba Dive/Snorkel the Great Barrier Reef
Experience Fall in Vermont
Road trip to the National Parks in the Continental US
Tour Alaska-by cruise or in an RV
Visit the Great Wall of China
Dancing with my baby at his wedding-no pressure Tommy:)
Holding my Grand Babies-once again no pressure Brian and Elisa…or Tommy:)
Tour Iceland
Visit Austin during an awesome music festival
Visit Seattle because I haven’t been there yet and I believe it is a pretty cool place
Experience Fiji
Rent a beach house in Del Mar for the entire month of October and have all my peeps come visit me
Travel to Morocco
Go on an African Safari
Check out the coolness that is Easter Island
Walk thru the ruins of Canyon de Chelley in Arizona
White water rafting in West Virginia
Experience Amsterdam to the fullest
View a sunrise in Cairo
Go to the Rose Bowl Flea Market
Learn how to crochet
Take a stain glass making class
Visit the Guggenheim Museum in LA and Bilbao Spain
Find out where the most impressionist artwork is housed AND go there to absorb it all !
Visit Bremen Germany where my Dad’s family is originated and find my roots!
See the wonders of Macchu Pichu at sunset
Visit Venice Italy, just cause I wanna
Enjoy the Jazz Festival in New Orleans and party like a rock star
But most of all I want to be around a good long time and kick it with the folks I love MOST!!
Everything I knew shifted crazy, freakin off the axis on August 12, 2016. Click here to get all the background and timeline. On this day I found out that I, Peggy Smerik, am diagnosed with Malignant Pleural Mesothelioma, a very rare and aggressive cancer. For me……tremendous amount to take in—still not sure how much I have accepted or owned as belonging to me. Because, let’s face it, I CANNOT BE SICK……this just cannot be true….but, it is and in accepting that I will more easily accept the help, assistance and love from my family and friends. And so my saga begins and I gotta tell you, I am a scrappy, DIY, worker bee, who is up for the no holds bar, battle that has become my new reality. Thank God I have a very patient, persistent, loving family and friends who have my back….even when I try and push them away, because of course, I don’t really need anybodys help right now.
August 30-Today was a great day! One of the not so wonderful drawbacks to my specific cancer is the ungodly buildup of fluids in my left lung and today I found out that I did not need to get it drained….sounds pretty gnarly right? Well, after a great day of snorkeling and hanging with friends and family in La Jolla on Sunday also meant that on Monday I had to endure a thorocentisis—that’s where they actually use a needle and aspirate the fluid from my lungs—I have had well over a gallon of the nasty stuff drained already and today was a really great day because I didn’t have to go in and have it done again—thank you Jesus. Though I do have a standing weekly appointment to make sure that the fluid levels are under control, I can deal with that….this sort of thing is not for the weak of heart—-and when people tell me how strong I am, when I have to endure this procedure I actually believe it!
Tomorrow Randy and I are traveling to LA—we are meeting with a thorasic surgeon who specializes in mesothelioma surgery…if surgery ever becomes an option, this is the guy who will do it! Surgery is way down the road, but to have options is extremely important in the cancer game….and I want to know all about any options that may open up for me in the future.
Got to tell you though, I had a fabulous night, went to see the Solare family, armed with homemade cookies, because I am a stress baker, and even though I can’t eat them, I do so enjoy making them for the gang. Speaking of off limit items, I know my family means well, but the no sugar and sweets, just seems a little militant to me, don’t you think? Anyway, I digress—got to dress up to the nines, in my pretty party dress and kick ass heels, listening to jazz and surrounded by the love that is the folks of Solare—as I said, such a wonderful night….
Chit-chatting on the phone at Solare-Jazz night!
You know, I really do stop to enjoy those moments—I am in the zone and love my cocktail that tastes marvelous, an orange daisy—and not too boozy, thank you Alex ! So I have come to enjoy the small things, the owl that has become my buddy at our place in Poway, I see him almost on a daily basis, the little things that those close to you do, thanks for my coloring books and supplies Randy, Go Johanna Basford-idle entertainment for the long chemo day tomorrow and a lovely orange daisy to top off my splendid day-thank you again Alex, you are the best!
August 30-The cogs are all falling into place….my chemo treatments start this week. I have been waiting to get the ball rolling and now that I am beginning the venture down the big hill, I gotta tell you I am more than a little nervous, anxious and downright scared. So now is where I want to hear how strong I am, what a fighter I can be, because I am feeling just a little bit small in the universe at this moment…..trying to see the glass as half filled, BUT I have the ???? dancing through my head as to the path we have charted is taking shape…..
The hugest obstacle I feel right now is the ultimate fail of my body….I am still trying to deny that this is all happening to me. I am still trying to wake up from this nightmare, take the breath, that sigh of relief and realize that is was all one big scary ass dream—can’t do it, because here I am looking at the appointments, taking the meds and starting blogs for all the peeps in my life to follow while I disembark on a freakin’ unbelievable journey.
So, I now draw strength from all of you guys, because I am going to need every little bit you put out there. I have a HUGE family in the Midwest—Cincinnati is not only home of the best 3 way chilis on earth, but also where I grew up. Visited with most of my family just a few weeks ago, in fact, I was surrounded by my Mom and siblings and nieces and nephews when my diagnosis came in. Let me tell you, we are an extremely diverse group and will hold nothing back, but I can always count on any of my Cincy fam to have my back at all times and at all costs, whether I want it or not!
Kossen Family Reunion ~ August 14 ~ Corbin, Kentucky
And of course life would not exist as I know it without my main man, Randy and the 2 brightest stars in my eyes, Brian and Tommy—you guys keep me grounded and remind me too often that I really do need to let people help me in my time of need. Elisa and Katie are my boys support in all ways and our nuclear family would be incomplete without you. Monday night family dinners are something that doesn’t happen every week, but when it does it feels magical, first, that we were actually able to get everyone together and then that it is filled with loads of love and always, always riveting conversations and debates…….Tommy and Randy, hear that right?
My favorite beach – Del Mar! – Monday, August 1
I am already calling in my San Diego BFF’s to assist, though it really is hard for me….Mary, Joyce, Yvonne, I know if I ask you will be right there….and earlier this month, I got to meet up with my OLD friends, a group of girls that have been there for me since my teens—Mary, Cheri, Karen and Dottie—you guys have seen it all and our lives have intertwined for decades!! A few weeks ago, we were viewing a meteor shower together on the roof at Cheri’s and it felt magical….swapping stories while we watch the stars, it doesn’t get much better than that! And don’t even get me started on the Taster Tuesday gals—so I might still want to dress up and wear some killer heels, but it might have to be at Rock-n-pine on my patio instead of at Solare—are you game, Dana and Adie??? All the crazy fun folks I have met on my catamaran trips to the most beautiful spots on earth—Queenie Jeanine and Eli, I will make it to the cottage, because I need to draw strength from my Boston Strong peeps.
Abacos Islands, Bahamas
And let me not forget my Solare family, because that what you guys are—FAMILY—Even though after chemo starts I won’t be able to visit too much, I know you all have my back, whether it be making yummy dinners that Randy brings home or ensuring the most important men in my life are doing OK—I can count on all of you and that makes things easier for me! Love you all to the moon and back….
So, as I get ready for Chemo this Thursday, I am more than grateful for all the peeps that have crossed my path and made life just a wee bit more interesting, and I will draw strength from you, because I believe I am going to need it—so a big thank you in advance for all that you do to help us navigate this ever crazy path that my journey has taken. Big hugs and kisses….that will definitely be a tough one to give up, cause hugging + kissing + chemo do not mix, and know that without all my peeps this would just be an impossible task, so I am so glad you have my back!
August 28-Snorkeling at La Jolla Shores…..fun, fun, and FUN! Amazingly, Dana, Karin and I meet up, along with Adie, Randy, Brian, Tommy and Cody and Mila. The day is overcast, but the water feels great! Tried a new 180º mask, I had a really hard time….and so did Dana and Brian, but I want to try the new mask again in a pool, hopefully I will work out all the kinks. Snorkeling on Sunday mornings, enjoying mimosas and maybe lunch is just such a fun, cool way to start a Sunday—it is great to have this group of friends and family to enjoy it with!! Gotta ask though, where do those leopard sharks hide on days like this??
CT Scan at UCSD in the afternoon—I am totally whipped once we get back to Poway. I am typically a non-napper, thank you very much….NOT so anymore…I am now a midafternoon napper—whoever would have thought. But, I have learned to listen to my body—sometimes it is actually screaming at me, but, I am getting much better at hearing 😉
August 27-Had my first acupuncture/magnets session with Riann today, I was able to totally relax, which was great!! We headed to Joyce and Dave’s pool party next. Because I am on a low dose morphine now, for some reason I thought that I didn’t need to bring any other pain meds and of course, 1 ½ hours in, I start to get very uncomfortable—in pain and trying to be happy around friends is not a great combo. But letting cancer dictate my life is not an option either…..remember, ALWAYS bring meds with you wherever you may go!
August 25-Take charge day!! My favorite ever hairstylist, Cindy, made my year!! First of all, the before and after pics are incredible. Went from mid back length long hair to super short crazy punkish hair with the absolute funnest colors!! I have been told that I won’t necessarily lose my hair, it may thin, but for me I was really, really ready for a change. But it is more than the cut and color—I am in an ever no choice situation and I cannot tell you how empowering it is to cut that hair and get my F U Chemo colors and wear them proudly 😉 Absolutely liberating, freeing and oh so fun!!
Also I got to enjoy Harrahs in Valley Center for a few days—once in treatment this is definitely a no go to zone…Yvonne and I had a great time except for the 3 ½ hours spent at San Marcos Kaiser—lab work, prescriptions…..etc….all part of the oncology game-can’t plan anything long term or short, I am getting much better at being flexible—you sorta kinda gotta, otherwise you would go crazy! Harrahs was fun-no Brinks truck following us home with our winnings, but a great get away that is for sure.
August 24-Got a call from my new best friend, Anna at UCSD—still waiting for the go ahead from Kaiser, but we can schedule my CT Scan…….one more step towards starting the clinical trial, Yay!! So on Sunday when most folks are enjoying their Sunday brunch, I will be in La Jolla getting scanned to within an inch of my life—but that is ookie dookie, cause that means I am one step closer to getting treatment started!! The things I look forward too, yes I am a very easy woman to please 😉
Peggy's Journey 